Before I could utter a syllable, the Butter-Cutter blurted out, “I'm glad to see ya. Just the other day, I learned something about the Spear-Chuckers that you should know.”

“Spear-Chuckers? Oh, I think I remember,” I reacted with a note of confusion.

“OK! I'll refresh yer memory. All the guys engaged in Iraq, Afghanistan, and in other 'hot spots' are called 'The Pointy-End-Of-The-Spear.' Well, if that's true, there must be a whole spear here, RIGHT?” he asked.

“Well, . . . I guess you could say that.”

“Good! We're on the same frequency. Also, for those spears to get ta them 'hot spots,' someone must have chucked them out there; the spears didn't get ta them spots on their own, did they? 

I felt as though the Butter-Cutter was leading me down the primrose path of intellectual seduction. But, I nevertheless answered, “Yeah, sure.”

“Hello! THE SPEAR-CHUCKERS CHUCKED THEM! And, they chucked them spears out o' the Pentagon where ya have the Secretary of Defense Spear-Chucker, the Chairman o' Joint Spear-Chuckers, the Chief o' Naval Spear-Chucker, etc.”

I stared at him in disbelief, but decided to avoid an argument and said, “You appear to include both civilian and military personnel in the category of Spear-Chuckers?”

“O' course! O' course! There's a bunch o' civilian Spear-Chuckers there. Isn't The Secretary o' Defensive Spear-Chucker a civilian and isn't he in charge there?” he asked with conviction. "An' don't forget the Secretary o' Navy Spear-Chucker, the Secretary o' Air Force Spear-Chucker. . . on and on an' they're ALL civilians!"

I just stared at the Butter-Cutter without answering and he went on.

“I hope ya now understand what a Spear-Chucker is because I have some new stuff about them. My uncle told me a story from a former Spear-Holder who . . .”

“Wait a minute!” I interrupted. “You explained what a Spear-Chucker is, what or who is a 'Spear-Holder?' ”

“Spear-Holders are them guys who go around the Pentagon wearing pretty gold ropes with tiny whistles at the end [Aiguillettes] over their left shoulder while they stroke anyone senior ta their Spear-Chucker, ignore anyone junior ta their Spear-Chucker an' . . .”

“No! No! Those guys are called, 'Horse Holders,'” I said in correcting the Butter-Cutter.

“When was the last time ya were in the Pentagon? How many horses did ya see in the parking lot? None! Them guys are Spear-Holders and they're so good that they're on demand by the Washington Opera ta serve as opera Spear-Holders. However, some of them refuse to appear because they can't wear their little gold ropes on the opera uniforms.”

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded incredulously and he continued.

“Getting back to that story I read: Apparently, a lot of Spear-Chuckers assigned ta the Pentagon get really frustrated there. They came up through the ranks with ever-increasing expectations o' leading ever-larger groups of warriors. Now, stuck in an office with only a secretary an' a coffee pot, there's little opportunity ta exercise the leadership techniques they've developed over the years. As a result, they're faced with a situation where there is little er no opportunity ta blow off steam an' stroke their egos. Evidently, conducting individual and group spear-chucks isn't very satisfying. So they created a Spear-Chuckers' Ego Reinforcing Center in the Pentagon.”

Why am I listening to this? I thought. 

The Butter-Cutter went on, “This Center is available ta any Spear-Chucker when the need er idea hits him. It consists of a room equipped with a large round oak table in the center o' the room. Surrounding the table at a distance o' ten feet are 32 mannequins dressed in period uniforms representing the four services. They're all facing inboard, standing at attention and rendering a hand salute. On the table are Commandfeedback Audio Response Modules: Affirmative (CARMAs).* These are busts of 20 generic lieutenants, captains, majors, an' lieutenant colonels dressed in uniforms o' the four services--naval ranks are also represented. 

“At any point on the table's circumference, the frustrated Spear-Chucker assumes his most commanding upright position an' conducts an ego reinforcin' session in the followin' manner (Moving around the table during the session is encouraged.): After vocalizing, sub-vocalizin', er just thinkin' about an order, he activates the CARMA of his choice by engagin' either of its two activation points with a clenched fist--the top o' the CARMA's head er the tip o' the CARMA's nose. Upon activation, the CARMA responds with a pre-recorded: “YES SIR!” or “AYE, AYE, SIR!” or “A VOS ORDRES MON SPEAR-CHUCKER!” Each CARMA is programmed with all three responses and broadcasts a response individually at random upon activation. The volume of the CARMA's response is in direct proportion ta the tightness of the fist and its velocity upon contact with an activation point. O' course, two fists may be utilized to activate more than one CARMA at a time, er even activate all the CARMAs in rapid succession. The 20 CARMAs, three cyclin' responses, an' two CARMA activation points provide the Spear-Chucker with a broad enough variety to motivate him in conducting a thoroughly reinforcin' session. In fact, some worked-up such a frenzy, they collapsed in exhaustion an' had ta be revived by the corpsman on duty there. 

“As ya can imagine, a frenzied Spear-Chucker could damage a CARMA an' has. So, there are Spear-Chucker Rêveurs En Waiting (SCREWs)--fast-mover colonels--who are permitted in the Spear-Chuckers' Ego Reinforcin' Center. However, they must remain quietly seated on the floor outside the ring o' mannequins until signaled. When a Spear-Chucker signals by lookin' their way, it's not an invitation for the SCREWs to start brayin' things like: “Me! Me! Me! Sir!” er “Here I am! Here I am, Sir!” er “Pick me! Pick me, Sir!” etc. Only the SCREW who is first ta assume the position of attention with a hand salute will be permitted ta enter the ring and fill-in fer a damaged CARMA.”

“Wait a minute!” I shouted. “You described the CARMAs as representing only military officers. Are you saying that civilian Spear-Chuckers only beat on military officer CARMAs?”

“O' COURSE! Civilian Spear-Chuckers are in the Pentagon ta lord over the military not each other! So, they religiously have ego reinforcin' sessions with the military CARMAs. Between you, me and the fence post, I've heard that a few o' them pin stars on their suit-coats and pretend that they are real officers during the session. One of them used to wear a six-star pin he had made ta-order; for whatever reason, he was replaced a year er so ago." 

Before I could ask the Butter-Cutter another question, a bunch of chowhounds came into the virtual mess hall diverting his attention; so, I decided to leave. While walking away, the more I thought about what he had said, the more I thought there was more to this story than just, "Spear-Chuckers chuck spears and SCREW CARMAs!" Oh, well, I guess I'll have to wait for another time to ask him.

Semper En Waiting,

Anthony F. Milavic

Major USMC (Ret.)

*The author acquired the basic CARMA idea 10 or more years ago from an article by someone whose name has slipped from memory.