10 December 2009

The Butter-Cutter On Mr. Obama's Afghan Strategy Speech

Anthony F. Milavic

Major, United States Marine Corps (Retired)

It has been over a week since the president outlined his Afghanistan strategy at West Point and it continues to be debated and discussed in the media. As I entered the virtual Mess Hall, I wondered how this issue was playing out with The Butter-Cutter.

“Hey! So the Prez shit-canned the advise of General McChrystal and is only gonna surge 30,000 more troops to 'The Stan' instead o' surgin' 40,000! Fer this guy, Pentagon 'n' White House Spear-Chuckers know better what's goin' on in 'The Stan' than somebody there with boots on the ground!” he shouted at me as I neared the Chow Line.

“Well, that is not entirely correct. Secretary Gates reported to Congress that he has the authority to send an additional 3,000 troops, potentially increasing the surge total to 33,000, if he deems it necessary. And, . . . “

“OK! OK! What the f*** these Surgers supposed ta do when they get there?”

“In his speech, the president said that General McChrystal 'reported that the security situation is more serious than he anticipated'; in that, 'the Taliban has gained momentum' and Al Qaeda 'retain[s] their safe-havens along the border.' Therefore, the president is increasing the force level in Afghanistan in order, 'to seize the initiative, while building the Afghan capacity that can allow for a responsible transition of our forces out of Afghanistan.' “

“Huh!?! OK, officer-type, tell me what that shit means!”

“Well, central to the president's strategy is that we are going to train the Afghans how to fight the Taliban and . . . ”

'WHOA!!! WE'RE gonna train the Afghans HOW ta fight the Talley-Banners? MAN, the non-Talley-Banners whipped BOTH the Talley-Banners AND Al Qaeda back in '01 when all we gave 'em was air support 'n' ammo! When WE jumped in at Tora Bora, WE got our ass kicked! What're we supposed ta train 'em ta do now--LOSE? WE oughta be gettin' THEM ta train US!” The Butter-Cutter bellowed in response. 

“You do not understand,” I corrected The Butter-Cutter. “We are taking a lesson from our experience in Iraq. After our forces were dramatically increased by a surge in Iraq, we went on to defeat those . . .”

“BULL SHIT!” he shouted in cutting me off. “We held reveille on them Iraqis with MONEY-bought them! 'n' them bought 'n' paid for Reveille Gangs went out in their 'hoods 'n' whipped ass! Oh! Is that what ya mean this surge shit in The Stan's gonna do? We're gonna buy-off the Afghans too?”

I just did not want to correct him on his use of 'Reveille Gangs' in lieu of, 'Awakening Councils.' So, I said, “No! We are establishing security around population centers where we will improve the infrastructure for those people while their own security forces are being trained. These areas will expand as Ink Spots . . .”

“Ya gotta be shittin' me! The Mobile Teleprompter's bringin' in The Ink Spots ta fix The Stan! Wadda they gonna do? Tour the place singin' '40s sweet shit like the sweet talk Obama used ta win the election?” The Butter-Cutter interjected while roaring in laughter. “Tell me! How long The Ink Spots gonna go around serenadin' before all them Talley-Banners gonna rip the rags off their heads 'n' scream, 'Enough o' this shit! I surrender!' ” and he laughed still louder.

I tried to get him back to reality by saying, “The president believes the surge will show definitive improvement in the security situation in 18 months,” I said.  

“What? They gonna pull all these guys out after only 18 months?”

“No, the president said the withdrawal of the surge forces will start in July 2011. The rate of that withdrawal will depend on the conditions on the ground. The president . . .”

“What kinda bull shit is that?” he cut me off in asking. “They gonna BEGIN ta bring back the 30,000 guys in 2011? Does that mean they can bring back one-a-day? So, thatta take . . . what? 90 years ta bring 'em all back?”

“I do not think the administration intends to bring our forces back one warrior at a time.” I told him.

“Wait a freakin' minute! I read that the Pentagon don't expect ta get them 30,000 Surgers into The Stan until the fall o' next year. If they're gonna start bringin' 'em back in July 2011, that means there ain't gonna be no 30,000 extra Surgers in-country ta do their shit fer a full 18 months before they start commin' home. This SURGE IS BULL SHIT!” he said while shaking his head.

“I am sure DoD will be able to increase the force level in Afghanistan expeditiously in order to take advantage of the additional 30,000 troops for a good period of time before the withdrawal starts,” I assured The Butter-Cutter.

“You're sure, huh? Well, officer-type let me tell ya how we Snuffies see this shit. Come the 2012 election year, if them guys ain't home already, they're gonna be commin' home by the droves so's the Mobile Teleprompter can tell everybody, 'See, I told you I would bring our troops home'; 'n', no situation on the ground's gonna change that DE-SURGE. Maybe The Ink Spots ain't gonna be sent ta The Stan, but that don't change the fact that that West Point speech 'n' this surge ain't nothin' more than a song 'n' dance!”  he blurted out before turning and walking away from the Chow Line while muttering invectives as he continued to shake his head.

Semper Shaking The Head,

Anthony F. Miavic

Major USMC (Ret.)